Make the GD Recipe So It Works Orange Marmalade

twitCan you fucking tell right off the bat from the title that this recipe didn’t work?

For all the god dammed canning books and magazines I have, not one single motherfucking one of them had basic orange marmalade. Not one.

Well, I take that back. One had a recipe. And it took three full days to make. Nope. NO way. No thank you. Nuh-uh.

To the Internet I go, and I find Easy Orange Marmalade from a blog called The Suburban Soapbox.

My Major Beef Right from the Start:

ONE OF THE MAJOR INGREDIENTS IN THIS RECIPE IS VANILLA BEAN PASTE (use this and not just vanilla extract. Seeing flecks of vanilla beans just makes people happy. Trust me.). Yet, it DOESN’T show up in the title!

This is NOT just orange marmalade.

THIS IS ORANGE VANILLA BEAN MARMALADE!!!

I fucking hate when people get that kinda basic shit wrong. Someone who doesn’t like vanilla – who is that person?? – or is looking for a pure orange marmalade will not be happy with tasting this mislabeled marmalade. There are purists out there, and I fully respect this.

Now, this IS very easy recipe, but it is flawed as written.

I now know from all my other mishaps along the way from other online recipes that I will read the comments thoroughly. Painstakingly.

And then I will fucking ignore them. Because if only one person has that mishap, it musta been that person’s issue.

For chrissakes, I am that person, so I should fucking know to follow that person’s advice online.

‘Cause guess the fuck what? That person was SPOT ON.

Stan Smith in the comments, you be Stan the Man. You’re spot on with this recipe needs more water – at least twice what is called for – and would likely need more sugar.

As well, this recipe is not written to be canned. It written to be put in a bowl in the fridge. So, Stan the Man also suggested adding lemon juice so it can be canned.

Smart to avoid botulism and all.

Stan, I love you.

I added my lemon juice and, never leaving the pot’s side, got this to the right temperature, the right gelling point.

I pulled it off the oven, and it would have barely made 2 half pints. My first response was, “WHY BOTHER!?

And please look closely at the picture below:

IMG_7001.jpg
Pretty good picture, eh?

See the scalloped line right where the bubbled dots on the bowl are? That is how much liquid came out of the final product. NOT NEARLY ENOUGH liquid for the amount of fruit.

Stan, you are so right that another cup of water would be needed.

See the lovely flecks of vanilla beans? Yes, only a bean or vanilla bean paste will produce this. Those beans are so lovely, but I would 1/2 the amount of vanilla bean paste called for in the recipe. Instead of 1 tsp, I would use 1/2. This is a personal preference to personal palate deal, though.

As written, this recipe basically produces candied vanilla bean orange peel – which is lovely tasting, if that’s your target. It’s like the blood orange marmalade I made into blood orange taffy. Delightful…if that was my end goal. But it wasn’t. Nor was vanilla bean candied orange peel.

I suppose once I nosh down to that scalloped line, I will have orange vanilla bean marmalade.

I suppose I will find another recipe for orange marmalade for my #365daysofbaking challenge.

A Few Thoughts on Marmalade:

  • I thought I liked the idea of having larger pieces of fruit in my marmalade, which is actually one of the reasons this recipe appealed to me at first. I have decided I do not like large pieces, personally. It’s like rubbing a gelled orange on my bread. I much prefer the thin slivers of peel swimming playfully with smaller pieces of fruit in a glorious jelly.
  • In the instructions, it’s suggested to use a mandolin to speed the process. Bullshit. I have a really nice mandolin, and all it did to the fruit was mutilate it while attempting to shave off my fingers.

On a complete side note:

WordPress doesn’t recognize so many spellings of certain things. However, it actually offered me the suggestion motherfucker for motherfucking at the beginning of the post.

I have a whole new appreciation for WordPress.

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