Someone Explain Perfume Commercials to Me. Please.

It was crappy weather pretty much all weekend, and so I’ll admit I binge watched movies TV all weekend, and of course there are so many Christmas ads out right now. And the perfume/cologne ones have left me… Uncomfortable (in a creepy way). Amused because they’re so bloody weird. Weirded out from all the weird sexual innuendos. But mostly completely lost.

Am I the only one?

I talked about Christmas commercials that got it right, but these perfume/cologne ads seem like marketing gone weird. Who sat in that idea room and said, “Lightbulb! THIS! This will be what our cologne is about. This guy and water.”

“YES!” the whole room is alight with agreement.

If this is the case, damn, I went wrong in my career.

I make no comment on any of the fragrances – I’ve not smelled them. But the commercials are pretty stinky.

Like Ricky said to Lucy, “You got some ‘splainin to do.” I might say the same to these companies:

At least this one has commentary I can follow, and a matching song. But J’adore = I adore in French, if I’m not mistaken. So does she adore the rain, the sun, the gold life? It’s such a weird moment…to be standing in the middle of the desert with a Vegas showgirl-like outfit on. She clearly thinks she’s connected to the earth, the sky, and the water. She is gold. I know I will be, too, when I buy this perfume.

I get it. Natalie is apprehensive about getting married. Notice her groom is facing the sea as she walks down the aisle? Clearly he took the superstition of not seeing the bride the day of the wedding seriously. Or he knows what’s coming his way. That black underdress must be skin tight, though. Is this dress a reference to her Black Swan moment? I’m thrown by the pretty flowers raining down as she climbs that perilous ladder – it’s just like the flowers that would have been thrown had she gotten married.  And of course when you run away from the alter, your other lover will be waiting with a ladder hanging from his helicopter to whisk you away. Is this the perfume for future runaway brides?

Is it just me, or does Matthew McConaughey just keep getting creepier and creepier? First your weirdo Lincoln commercials, and now Dolce & Gabbana? Like if you wear this cologne, you’ll be so elusive that photographers will chase you in plain sight, yet you’re so cool you won’t notice. And when you walk into your luxe hotel room, and flop down on your chaise, suddenly those photographers have managed to follow you into your room? Am I the only one lost here? Or creeped out?

Remember the ‘greasy beau-hunk’ (think Long Duck Dong saying this) Molly Ringwald’s sister was going to marry in 16 Candles? This would be my vision of greasy beau-hunk, not the Guido she actually married. Greasy man with decent abs and chiseled chin rubs himself and dives in water. Careful, Mr. Manhunk, that looks like a vortex of swirly death in the water. There’s so much oily brooding man-hunk here… and water being splashed on him. Does he come with the purchase? Is this the feeling every man who wears this will get? Sex god with chiseled abs and chin?

This one just might qualify as one of the most bizarre. It’s a longer “movie-length” commercial (get over yourself!), but WTF is going on here?

Let’s start with the model: maybe, just maybe, he’s 20 – and for the record, my 15 year old son is more jacked than the kid in this video. When he lies down… hey Mr. Director, maybe you wanted to stuff a sock down his Speedo? The wee point doesn’t do anything. For anyone. I’m so glad the model looks directly at the camera as he is running by in the end. This makes me feel so connected as a viewer.

Sure, there’s acqua – Italian for water. And what in the world else would connect this commercial to cologne? Enlighten me. Please.

OK, I get it… you’re Eros in cheesy man briefs and weird boxing shoes. But, for the record Versace, Eros was the God of Love. He shoots his arrow into the sky and gets sun? What has this got to do with love? Or cologne? So, is your Eros in cheesy man briefs and weird shoes now in love with Helios, who was considered the personification of the Sun? And how does any of this relate back to cologne? Like man wears cologne, shoots arrow into sky and BOOM. Sun comes out? Good luck with that, fellas.

Alright, so Versace also has a female counterpart to it’s Eros cologne – Eros Pour Femme. Joyful commercial, given she swims up from the water like the Lady of the Lake or maybe some female Triton, takes his golden arrow, they make out, she walks off with his arrow and ends lying in the water. Is she Triton’s wife up for a fling? Help me here. And of course this is all going to happen for me if I buy this perfume.

OOOOOO, Look!!! The wannabe King in Princess Diaries 2 is all grown up and sexy. Yeah, I might turn my head as he walked by, too. The ending is borderline priceless: Sparkly explosion. “Did you hear anything?”

Alright. Don’t get the name of the parfumo. Clearly, I’m not allowed to know the code. Nor do I, yet again, get the connection to the fragrance.

Maybe I’m never gonna know. Maybe I’m not meant to know. Maybe the access to this Club has been flat out denied to me.

I’m pretty sure I’m all good with all of this. I don’t wear perfume.

We’d LOVE to hear your insight into these commercials in the comments!

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