We all use our eyes to devour food long before it hits our palette, and ladies, you know damn well you use your eyes to judge a man long before you know his personality. Is it really his eyes that attract you? Those six-pack abs? Maybe he has that perfectly firm ass. Seriously, ladies, who are you looking at? I momentarily want in on this eye candy. Maybe it’s the guy in the first image…
Here’s an anecdote to contemplate: Back in college, the New Jersey Knights – members of the World Football League (woah, I just seriously dated myself there) – trained at my school in FL. It was like having a team full of Adonis look-alikes at our girly fingertips.
One night while we were at the local bar which pretty much set right on campus, Adonis, himself, came strutting into the bar: all 6’4″ of hulking male sex walked right in the front door. He had shoulders that were almost as broad as the doorway, silky black hair, freakishly stunning baby blue eyes, and an ass you could bounce quarters off. He likely now has a job as a book cover model for all the sex books you 50 Shades of Grey fans are reading. Anyways, he was painfully gorgeous, and every woman in the bar almost broke her neck from whiplash when he walked in. You could look around the room and see the woman wiping the drool from their lips.
And he was on a mission. He looked every one of us up and down, until he found his prey – one of my tall, very voluptuous friends. She had pretty eyes, but much bigger boobs. He made a bee-line for her, so those of us who were her friends sauntered right over to have our closeup moment of glory with this God of Sex.
And then… he opened his mouth. I want you to think of the most painfully horrible Jersey accent you can, and hear these words – because they will resonate in my skull to my grave: “Yo, babe. What’s up? You’re pretty hot. Hows ’bout you and me goin’ back to my room and gettin’ it on?” No cheesy pickup line, just straight to the point. I suppose you have to admire his balls in that regard. While this alone is part of the glorious memory for me, the other part was the look on all our faces. We had several male friends close by who left plenty to be desired in the intellect department, and even they had their jaws hanging open. And it just went downhill from there. I went to F.I.T. – Florida Institute of Technology – and we already called ourselves Florida Tech (I believe they officially changed over many years after I left); I add the periods so you understand what most of us do… say the letter. And I will quote him a few moments later, “Yo, what’s up with the fit [note the lack of letter annunciation] painted across your gym floor? When you walk in Georgia Tech’s gym you don’t see git painted on the fuckin’ floor.” If only I could make this shit up.
This Amazonian beast immensely humored us for a bit longer until we all got to the point where we just couldn’t take it any more, and made up any asinine excuse why we couldn’t be there any longer, to which he added, “Yeah, I gotta get back to my fuckin’ dorm room. I sneaked [yes, I kid you not] out through the fuckin’ window, and barely made it fuckin’ through. I guess I gotta get back, too.” We were all sure he would’ve spelled through as threw in this scenario.
And as another friend kindly noted, “He is the type of guy you tell, ‘Just shut up and fuck me.”
I was reminded of this anecdote over the weekend in some random conversation, and it sparked the question of what really is sexy in a guy. Sure, physical beauty is beautiful. But is it just the beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, six-pack abs, and a tight ass really what makes a man sexy? I suppose that’s all in perspective.
I’d like to offer a varied view, though.
Let me start by saying God bless those men. Eye candy is indeed fun, and many men have evolved beyond simple procreational thinking, but what’s really sexy in a man? And before I delve deeper, this is not a man-bashing session; this was a legitimate conversation had with several people over the weekend.
For me, it boils down to the following four ideals:
Intellect: A man must have brains and be willing to engage me in all sorts of conversation.
I’m pretty smart and highly educated. Lack of intellect is a complete turnoff. I need a brain match who can challenge me, make me rethink, and introduce me to new ideas. Conversely, they need to be willing to hear me out and accept the above things from me. There is no one way street in my relationships. Those that are one way are quite short lived.
Laughter: I’m pretty witty and enjoy both high and low brow humor, depending on the
Chivalry: I want to be treated like a lady. Maybe it’s because I’m from the South, but I want my doors opened, I want him to offer his jacket if I seem chilled, etc. I want to know he understand he should be a gentleman – at least 70% of the time. In return, I will be the penultimate lady on his arm publicly. I can dress, walk, and talk the part, and happily do so on a regular basis. Here’s an interesting take on chivalry, in case you’re curious.
Now, I got a curious response from a male friend to this commentary that went something along the lines of: ‘it must be nice to want the best of both worlds, to be treated like a lady and ravaged in the bedroom. It’s maddening to walk this tightrope as a man.’ While these aren’t the exact words, it conveys the point.
To me, this suggested there is some double standard or that women play games psychologically to get what they want when they want. While I’m sure this is true for some, I have some counter thoughts:
Why is it a problem to want respect, aka to be treated like a lady? I have little tolerance for women who play games, and far less for men who treat women poorly. To those who want to indulge in those games, piss off.
Why is being a lady in public, and wanting to be ravaged in the bedroom any kind of an issue or double standard? Is this really an issue for guys? I want a gentleman in public and if he’s willing to be a little wild in bed, yeah me. I’ve always expressed myself, and as a women in my 40s, I know how I want to be treated, both in public and private arenas. To the women who might struggle with this, belly up to the bar with me and Jean so we can buy you a drink and help you with speaking your mind.
Maybe chivalry isn’t the word. Maybe respect is. And maybe more woman need to express exactly how they want to be treated. Maybe I’m completely off kilter.
So I asked several other male friends if there was an issue with a woman wanting to be treated like a lady publicly, but perhaps wanting the exact opposite in the bedroom. And the general consensus from multiple men was this: As gentlemen, we will always treat a woman like a lady, and if she wants to be wild in bed, it’s just all the better for us. Why’s this an issue?
Thank you. Give respect and receive respect – and maybe a little fun in the bedroom ;). It all works both ways.
Vulnerability: Machismo has its place, I suppose, but consistently idiotic male testosterone driven antics do little for women who want something lasting. Let me explain here. A lasting relationship is built on trust and caring. This applies to all relationships – friendships and romantic. Life can be both wonderful and shitty, even in the same day. And if a guy can’t come down from that stereotypical “being a tough guy,” and talk about the crap and why it bugs him, then it’s going to be a tough road. I’m not looking for a dissertation on anything, but an acknowledgement that things suck at the moment, and the willingness to let me in to his thoughts, even if for the briefest of moments. Once the relationship is established, the nuisances of how to dance through the shit together becomes as unique as the relationship itself.
Years ago I read a book explaining the biological difference between and male and female brain. It noted that if you can get a teenaged girl to talk, she’s unlikely to shut up. I know this as true based on my own interactions with my daughter and her friends. The biological reason is something like the part of the brain associated with emotion – the hippocampus (I think)- migrates toward the part of the brain associated with speech. This migration doesn’t happen in the male brain; it’s not that they don’t want to talk about their emotions, it’s more that it’s actually biologically difficult since their emotions are detached from the speech portion of their brain. Any male who can break biological habit has my attention in this regard.
No one is perfect, and those who seek perfection are blinded. Or delusional. Either way, I have no patience for it. I am far from perfect, but I try embracing my imperfections, laughing at myself often, and sharing my genuine self with those whom I have relationships. I’m willing to offer up who I am – the guts and the glory – but when a man avoids conversations that delve into the core of the person, it’s a sign – suggesting, perhaps, that a wall has been intentionally put up. If he’s only willing to offer up the glory but none of the messy side of life, I’m curious why he feels the need to be so ‘wonderful’ and ‘strong’ all the time. We all have imperfections, and when we make ourselves vulnerable by acknowledging, embracing, becoming willing to unlock and share these – emotions, thoughts, physical, quirks – we become penultimately human. And frankly, I want human honesty. If you can laugh at yourself and your mistakes and share your beautiful and messy humanness with me, then you’ve begun to crack into what I find sexy, gentlemen.
And the fact of the matter is that if these things can be attached to a beautiful body, all the better for the lady who snags this lovely specimen. Send us your picture together 🙂
P.S. I am happily married, and enjoy what I’ve said above the vast majority of the time. But, he’s not perfect, nor am I. We’re all a work in progress. And Amen to that.